roadside american

stay for the borscht...

2009-07-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

A man's house was on fire. He decided he would call the fire department. He got on the phone with the Fire Chief. The man was very frantic. The man said, "Chief, you have to get over here, my house is on fire!" The Chief said, "Calm down, how do we get to your house?" The man said, "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?"

I tried to build a dog house, but I only had enough dogs to build 3 walls.

What is brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.

prison inventions???

http://www.sloshspot.com/blog/07-23-2009/The-Wonderful-World-of-Prison-Inventions-191

my guitar vids:

2009-02-28T16:01:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/user/trking8

2008-08-25T18:58:00.001-07:00

Quickie

2008-08-24T16:53:00.000-07:00

A nervous attendant on a flight announced: "I don't know how this happened, but we have 100 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat, will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 36 dinners available!"

Judge to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?' Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.' ________________________________________________--

2008-08-03T13:59:00.000-07:00

A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."

I saw a billboard sign that said:
NEED HELP, CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower...

lego flamethrower: http://markuspuustinen.com/homemadeflamethrower/
where are the directions for this thing???

Footsie...

2008-06-15T17:23:00.000-07:00

Blondie was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere.

She's rushed to the hospital where she's put on a stretcher, almost unconscious.

Doctor: OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.

Blondie: Ok.

Doctor: How many fingers am I putting up?

Blondie: Oh my god, I'm paralyzed from the waist down!

yadda, yadda, yadda...

2008-05-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

A patient told his doctor he was full of remorse and guilt ridden because he had sex with his 3rd cousin. The MD said, "If it makes you feel that bad, maybe you should quit counting."

How do you prepare gorilla? Gorillit.

tighten the borscht belt...

2008-05-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Wood you? I wood. The luckiest man:
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Low holy days...

2008-03-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

Jewish personals:

I am a sensitive Jewish prince who you can open
your heart to, share your innermost thoughts
and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
P.O.Box 2286.

shout out: django behind the barn?
these guys smile a lot...
http://www.gadjoplayboys.com/
http://tippytoe.multicasttech.com/somewhereoutwest/

lost weekend in the Big Easy...

2008-01-22T20:43:00.000-08:00

...last Tuesday.

why did the chicken cross the road?
to escape the nazis.

christmas isn't over 'til you...

2007-11-28T16:32:00.000-08:00

pop it. go ahead. really: http://www.shoutfile.com/v/TWdSb0Jj/TWdSb0Jj

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters.Can you read this?'the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

http://www.isitchristmas.com/

(thanks wbk)

tags: polish joke, really?, what is this 1977 bernie

Back in the chain gang...

2007-10-22T18:46:00.001-07:00

What if Shakespeare played in the Mendoza Darts League? "You, mewling, fen-sucked, clay-brained joithead!" http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/shake_rule.html

Man #1: "My wife and I never had sex before we were married. How about you?"Man #2: "Dunno. What was her maiden name?"

don't try this at home (but don't let your AO see you play this at work). best time waster since Snood:
http://effects.if.tv/gm/sand/sandjr.html

If you can't say something funny...

2007-05-30T19:13:00.000-07:00

then link to something that's killer - - My First Day in Hell:
http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2006/10/30/061030sh_shouts

and, uh, why does a skeleton need a robe?

Son: "Hey, Dad, I got a B in Reading!"
Dad: "You moron - - that's a D."

I'm not a religious person...

2007-05-23T18:06:00.000-07:00

but this is pure inspiration: http://www.zefrank.com/theshow/whipass/

Remember the internet circa 1995? try this: http://www.stickpage.com/haplandgameplay.shtml page.com/haplandgameplay.shtml

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender asks, “Olive or Twist?”

Rough start...

2007-05-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

but then we dated (in law school): http://www.metacafe.com/watch/440404/treat_em_mean_keep_em_keen/

Shaggy dog story: As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying, "Relax - - you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." Then another voice reminded him, "But Howard, you're a veterinarian."

What Fresh Hell Is My Brother Doing? Funny you should ask: http://berniekeating.blogspot.com:80/

uh...I wouldn't tell this joke...

2007-05-14T19:24:00.000-07:00

but my brother would. check out: http://shaggybluedog.blogspot.com/

shout outs...

2007-05-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

homegrown tunes from Amishland: http://tippytoe.multicasttech.com/somewhereoutwest/barrel.html

Harrisburg's homegrown, Jawnboy, asks "Is this thing on?" Yes: http://jawnboy.blogspot.com/

Q: Why don't cannibals eat divorcees? A: Because they're bitter.

unless you you drink alone...

2007-05-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

late at night, don't watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AO9dbmJ_2zU

Johnny Cash meets Nine Inch Nails. Really.

drinking joke of the day:
Q: Why didn't Hitler drink gin?
A: It made him mean.

you wannna know this...

2007-05-11T04:18:00.000-07:00

or not. who "out-Tarantino's" Tarantino? check it out: http://movies.ign.com/articles/588/588928p1.html

joke of the moment:
Q: What's the white stuff in bird poop?
A: Bird poop.

for openers...

2007-05-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

Q: "What's your favorite Grateful Dead tune?" A: "The SHORT one!"

What's your favorite rant? You tell me, in two sentences. And throw in an animal.

Mine? the Fisago's waitress who dosed my cheesteak with windex. Skunked.

Moose's: People who try to use road squirrel instead of fresh squirrel when making squirrel pot pie.